I was put on “partial” bed rest two
weeks before Samuel arrived. My blood pressure was getting very high. Partial
bed rest was my negation with my doctor and meant working half days (3.75
hours) at school and then laying down the rest of the day. ( I mean really!
Doesn’t my body understand that I have to get these standards based reports
done?!?) This method worked for a short time and my body was handling the
pregnancy much better. Then at school one morning I got extremely overwhelmed
as my students walked in handing me TONS of fundraiser money and my longterm sub
showed up declaring she was shadowing me. (The problem was her idea of
shadowing was asking me as many questions as she could without taking a moment
to breath between her question and my answer.) As I sat their counting money at
my guided reading table, my vision went spotty and I started feeling dizzy. I
didn’t tell her, but asked if she were double count the money for me and make
sure she had the same number as me. I finished logging the money and walked the
kids to the restroom. Carrying my log book, I asked her to watch the kids and
proceeded the office, where I dropped off the log book. Then I told the
secretary that if anybody needed me I was heading to the school nurse to get my
blood pressure checked.
Nurse Lynn
checked my blood pressure and told me to lay down. She told me to call my
doctor and that I needed to go home. I started crying because I didn’t have sub
plans and I felt embarrassed and like a failure as a working mom that my body
couldn’t support my child and fulfill my work duties. She went and got my
principal, who held my hand and said sweet reassuring things (I can’t recall
exactly what, but it was something to do with her having the same problem with
her pregnancy). Nurse Lynn came back in and called my Grandmother to pick me up
because she refused to allow me to drive. (Crazy thing here is my cell phone
was charging in my classroom and I was so messed up I couldn’t remember ANY
phone numbers. So she had to look up my fifth grade cousin’s file to get my
grandmother’s contact information to come pick me up.) She then went to my room
to get my personal item and I went to my Mom’s house.
At Mom’s I
took my BP again and it had come down to normal. I lay down anyway because I
was overwhelmed and embarrassed. How was I going to face my coworkers or
students tomorrow? My Mom made me lunch but I felt nausea the more I ate so I
only had a few bites of steak. Finally I got a hold of my doctor and the nurse
told me I needed to come in right after lunch and that they would work me in. I
just seen them yesterday and everything was great. But we (Mom, Charlotte, and
myself) loaded up in the car and headed that way. When they checked my BP at
the office, it was off the charts ridiculous (198/112 or something like that).
I knew I was in trouble when they asked me to go sit in the Dr. Robert’s office
instead of an exam room. I forced back tears. Dr. Roberts told me that for
whatever reason, my body was done being pregnant and that I was to head to the
hospital. He would call them to inform them of my impeding arrival and that I
was to go home and get together a hospital bag. We were having this baby
tonight!
I walked to
the lobby to collect Mom and Charlotte holding back tears of frustration and fear.
This new combination of feeling surrounding the impending birth of our son was
foreign to me. I was much more prepared physical, emotionally, and spiritually
for Charlotte’s arrival. I told my mom
the news and we headed to my house to pack a bag. I called James and he didn’t
answer. Called his work line and he didn’t answer. Finally called my FIL (who
works with my husband) and he took the phone to James. I mustered up excitement
in my voice and declared, “We are having a baby tonight. I’m headed to the
hospital.” I heard James’s disbelief in his voice as he remarked, “Wait.
Really?” I explained the whole shebang to him and told him to meet me at the
hospital. I then called my principal and told her the news. She continued to
assure me that they would be fine without me and I told her that my Mom would
drop the report cards off tomorrow morning.
We arrived
at the hospital and James was waiting on us in the parking lot. Which was great
because we had to carry an overnight bag, a birthing ball, a boppy, the ipod
and cube speaker, and a toddler. We checked in around 4 something and they put
me in the room and started me on pitocin. When Dr. Roberts arrived, the plan
was to break my water. They monitored my BP the whole time and it never went
high again. I guess my body was a peace knowing it was almost over. The nurse
came in and said that there had been a change in plans because Dr. Roberts was
detained. They asked permission to have the doctor on staff break my water. I
agreed and the proceeded with the rest of my labor. My birth plan was the same
as last time… to give birth vaginally with as little medical intervention as
possible (ie. No pain medicine). The
contractions came slowly and they continued to increase the pitocin past the
amount they had given me with Charlotte.
I like to say James coached me just
as well as he did with the birth of our daughter. But in all honestly he could
be compared more to the man in the movies that is watching a sporting event in
the room while is wife is in the background screaming. It’s not all his fault.
Like I said above, we were not prepared for this birth mentally, physically or
spiritually. With our first we shelled our more than $250 to take Bradley
classes. We spent 2 hours every Thursday night for 12 weeks discussing labor
and learning techniques and logistics. Each night for 12 weeks, we practiced
relaxation techniques for 15 minutes before bed. We trained for the marathon
that is labor. This time, somewhat do to have a toddler but mostly due to
extreme laziness, we took the we’ve done this before, we can do it again
approach. It will be a cake walk. (HA!)
Due to James’s uninterest in caring
for me during labor, I felt pretty lonely, depressed, nervous, and scared
during the process. The contractions felt different this time around (Maybe
back labor?). The contractions were HARD and it seemed as little progress was
being made towards pushing out my baby. I plateau-ed at 6 cm. At this point
with the pain of contraction and emotional drama of the day I was very worn
down. The pain was so intense and I was so exhausted that I felt as though I
could breathe during the contractions. It was terrifying. I told the nurse I
wanted the epidural and I wanted it fast. I said it through tears because I
hated to hear the words. Yet another way, I felt I was failing my son. She put
in the work order and we continued to labor for 30 minutes as we waited. The
next 30 minutes were the worst of my life. I couldn’t breathe, I stayed tense,
and SCREAMED through every contraction.
When the nurse walked in with the
anesthesiologist at switch turned on in my brain and I announced “I think I need
to push!” She checked me and low and behold I had been in the transition phrase
and was now complete. She turned towards the anesthesiologist and told him he was
not needed. I begged for him to stay and give me the drugs anyway because all I
could think of was how tired I was and that I would be pushing for who knows
how long. They told me no and said to wait to push until the doctor came in.
HARDEST thing to do ever is to wait on the doctor when it’s time to push. I
recall seeing movement out of the corner of my eye and remarking, “I hope
that’s the doctor because I’m going to push! Where is he?!? TELL HIM TO HURRY
UP!” There might have been some curse words laced through there. I can’t recall
but I remember my tone was EVIL.
Doctor Roberts strolled in (I mean
literally he was sauntering casually) and declared I could push. I pushed and I
saw his eye get large and whatever he saw motivated him to at some speed to his
walk and rush over to me. Two pushes later (and about 5 minutes of time) the
nurses told me to look down. (I assumed they said that to help me focus my
pushing energy as they had with my first. Instead I saw something else.) My
son’s head had already been delivered and with one more push he was born.
He didn’t scream loudly but cried a
little bit. They worked with him beside my bed and I asked if he was okay. They
said they were concerned he was not getting enough oxygen because his lips were
bluish. They finally were able to lay him on my chest but only for a few
seconds because he started to turn blue again. Some how they were able to
determine that he was badly bruised and not lacking in oxygen. However, they
wanted to watch him closely for a while to be on the safe side. I totally
understood and wanted what was best for him, but was left feeling very empty
and alone as they whisked him off even before he had tried to latch on. It
didn’t help that James’s main concern was getting to the next room so he can
make his sofa bed at go to sleep.
My little guy struggled to keep his
temperature up and had low blood sugar along with his badly bruised head and
face. But he was otherwise healthy and he was mine. I was so thankful for the
blessing of another healthy child. The next few hours were some of my hardest
because I longed for him. I was still on an adrenaline rush from labor, James was
already snoring, and there was not a whole lot of options for watching the TV
in the middle night. This left me alone with my thoughts and they were not
affirming in the least. My flesh was speaking lies to my soul and it would take
me weeks to overcome the lies and accept the truth that God had for me.
They finally were able to bring
Samuel to me and we began our journey with nursing. He struggled to latch on
and stay on. It was defeating, yet another way I felt like a failure. The NICU
nurses came to me and told me I had two choices. I could supplement with
formula or send him to NICU for an IV of fluids. So I would try to nurse him
for 30 minutes followed by a bottle of formula. I was told to record both
nursing and bottle feeding information along with his diaper contents. The
whole time I was raging a mental battle of doing what the doctors said vrs what
I knew was right for our family. I wanted to be solely breastfeeding as soon as
possible. How was he ever going to figure out latching when he had nipple
confusion? (I laugh at this now…. But at the time I was very upset. P.s. He
does survive and learn to nurse.)
Samuel developed a borderline case
of jaundice due to the bruising so we stayed an extra day in the hospital. It
was defiantly for the best because I felt like a million bucks physically because of the rest I was
allowed to get since I didn’t need to care for our 18 month old daughter
(newborns are easier than toddlers). Emotionally however I continued to beat
myself up. I was still supplementing because the pediatrician insisted we “Push
the liquids” to treat the jaundice. I was terribly upset that nursing was going
smoothly. And to top it all off, I was beating myself up for asking for the
epidural (You know the one I didn’t even get because I ran out of time). My
flesh kept attacking with, “How could you even consider something you know
would have gotten into your baby’s system? You didn’t ask for it with
Charlotte. So you must love her more! Your son will never forgive your
weakness.”
After three days in the hospital we
headed home. Most people’s birth stories probably would have already ended. But
like I said before God taught me a truth. And God’s truths are meant to be
shared. At home, my emotional and mental war continued. I felt alone yet again
and separated from my husband. I was frustrated and worn out. James and I got
in a fight over I have no clue what and I excused myself to take a shower where
I cried uncontorablly and thought about what it was going to be like to raise
two kids under two by myself because the evidence was showing that James wasn’t
going to be helpful this time around. God kept trying to speak to me but I was
throwing two big of a pity party to listen.
Finally, I was rehashing the events
of Samuel’s birth in my mind yet again and I paused long enough after a thought
to listen. I was contemplating how weak and pathetic I was when I asked for the
epidural. My thought process went something like this. “I was so weak and
pathetic I begged for that epidural. I didn’t care about my baby in that
moment. I just wanted it to be over. I would have yelled C-Section, cut him
out! If I thought they would have listened. I am so worthless and weak. I
almost poisoned my son.” “But I didn’t let you get the epidural did I?”
From that point lost in my
thoughts, I knew the Holy Spirit wanted to speak truth to my soul. I just
needed to stop and listen. Here is what was concluded… God had been in control
throughout my whole labor. I was never in danger. Samuel was never in danger.
God showed me that in my lowest moment, he would still shine. He allowed my
body to progress and avoid the epidural. He allowed me to see through this hard
labor that I had strayed far from him. I needed to refocus my life on his love.
I got out of the shower with peace. But it didn’t stop there. God had more
blessings in store for me. Through the baby monitor, I could hear the ipod
playing a song in my daughter’s room. I got dressed and went to her room where
I sat in the floor and sobbed. Not tear of grief due to my sinful flesh, my
weakness, and my broken body but tears of joy because HE is greater than me, HE
is strong, HE is whole and perfect. God is amazing and he LOVES me so much and
he never leaves. He gives me so many second chances and I know that this is
probably not the last one I will enjoy. My
son’s birth brought me from a dangerous and lonely place focused on me to a
renewed place focused on the one true God. Here are the lyrics to the song that
was playing.
And He is jealous from me,
loves like a hurricane, I am a tree Bending beneath the weight of His wind and
mercy When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions Eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are And how great Your affections are for
me
And oh, how He loves us, oh Oh, how He loves us, how He loves us
all
And He is jealous from me,
loves like a hurricane, I am a tree Bending beneath the weight of His wind and
mercy When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions Eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are And how great Your affections are for
me
Oh, how He loves, yeah, He loves us Oh, how He loves us, oh, how He
loves us Oh, how He loves
And we are His portion and He
is our prize Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes If His grace is an
ocean, we're all sinking And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss And my
heart turns violently inside of my chest I don't have time to maintain these
regrets When I think about the way
Oh, how He loves us, oh Yeah, He loves us, yeah, He
loves us How He loves us, oh, how He loves us all
How He Loves Us
